年过四十的女人

Andy Rooney

武夷山 译

   随着年龄的增长，我对四十岁以上的女人最为赏识。何以如此呢？以下是几条理由。年过四十的女人绝不会半夜把你弄醒后问一句：“你在想什么呢？”她才不在乎你想什么呢。

年过四十的女人若不想看比赛转播，她不会坐在一旁抱怨个没完。她会去做自己想做的事，而且，通常是更有意思的事。

年过四十的女人对自己了解得很透，知道自己是谁，是干什么的，想要什么，找谁要。年过四十的女人，没有几个在乎你怎么看她，也不在乎自己做些啥。

年过四十的女人很有尊严。她们很少在看歌剧时或是在宰人的餐馆里与你比赛谁更善于尖叫。当然，如果你该死，她们也会毫不犹豫地给你一枪，只要她们觉得自己能逃过法网。

年长的女人毫不吝惜表扬人，不过经常是言过其实的表扬。她们知道不被感激珍视是什么样的感受。

年过四十的女人能自信满满地将你介绍给她的闺蜜。有男人的年轻女人往往抛开自己最铁的姐们儿，因为不相信男人会与其他女人相处得体。年过四十的女人才不在乎你被她的闺蜜所吸引呢，因为她知道闺蜜不会背叛她。

这个年龄的女人有点神通。你根本不需要向年过四十的女人坦白交代做过的坏事，人家总归已经知情。

年过四十的女人抹着鲜红的唇膏也挺靓，年轻女人可不敢这样。你如果不在意一两条皱纹的话，年过四十的女人要比年轻女人性感得多。

年长一点的女人比较直率诚实。如果你是混蛋，或行事像个混蛋，她们就会对你说“你是个混蛋”。你根本就不需要再费力寻思你和她的关系已经是怎么回事了。

不错，我们因为多种理由而表扬年过四十的女人。不幸的是，女人与男人不是对等的。对于每一个四十郎当岁的出色的、聪明的、衣冠楚楚的热妈，就有一个穿着黄裤子的、秃顶的、大腹便便的过气男人在22岁的女服务员面前拿自己开涮。

女士们，对不起了。

有些男人说，“能领到免费的牛奶，干嘛还要买奶牛呢？”对于这种人，我教你们一种新说法。现在80%的女性都对结婚不感冒，为什么呢？因为女人们认识到，没必要为了得到那只小香肠就买下整头猪。

博主：安迪.鲁尼是我最喜欢的幽默作家之一。下面再重贴一些我过去翻译过的他的语录。

All men are notcreated equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
并非所有人都是生来平等的，但是在法律面前应把所有人视为平等的。

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass growon the greens.
若喜欢在电视上观看高尔夫球比赛(博主注：而不是去高尔夫球场看比赛），那就是喜欢看高尔夫草坪上草的生长。

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we trythe phone book.
作为资深记者，我们有一些秘密本事，其首要一条就是我们知道如何利用电话号码本。

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things theymake it easier to do don't need to be done.

计算机使得做很多事情都容易得多，不过，计算机使之容易做的事当中，多数是不值得做的事。

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one everreads.
计算机也许能节省时间，但肯定会浪费好多纸。计算机打印出来的东西，大约98％是从来没人读过的垃圾文字。

Death is a distant rumor to the young.
对于年轻人来说，死亡是遥远的谣言 。

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using yourhead.
不要排斥动手干活，动手并不意味着不需要用脑子。

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
大象和孙儿女最记仇。

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
幸福在很大程度上取决于你如何承受生活的打击，而不是取决于生活中发生了什么。

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it couldhappen to you.
我不是有意识要变老的，衰老过程就这么发生了。如果你运气好，衰老也会发生在你的身上。

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that thechef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If Iwanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
我不喜欢精心摆放布置的菜肴，我老觉得厨师在摆放布置上花了太多的时间，而没有在烹调上花足够的时间。如果我想要好看的东西，直接买幅画好了。

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
与其说是我在挑选话题，还不如说是话题在找我。

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more abouthis arms sales toIran.
我真希望，我们不要那么关心此人的尿道（博主：可能指克林顿的风流韵事），而要关心他向伊朗卖了多少军火。

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
如果狗会说话，养狗的大半乐趣就丧失了。

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
如果你微笑时周围没其他人，那一定是发自内心的笑。

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.
如果你一个人呆着时发笑，那一定是发自内心的笑。

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted evenone of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
对于压根儿就没有人要的资料，还做成复份，打印出来，可以使美国增加一种新的使命感。

Most of us end up with no more than five or sixpeople who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them forthe rest of their lives.
我们多数人去世后，至多也不过有五六个人怀念我们。而教师拥有成千上万的人终生记住他们。

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
用小字印出来的决不是好消息。

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't thinkof what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it topretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
骂人话……我觉得，很多笨人骂人，是因为他们想不出来合适的表达方式，有挫折感。而很多聪明人骂人，是假装他们不很聪明，愿意与老百姓打成一片。

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree withwhat they already believe.
一般来说，事实与人们所已经相信的东西一致的时候，他们才承认事实是真的。

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting somethingright, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
50－50―90规则：凡是你有一半对一半的可能性做对某事的时候，那么你将此事做错的概率是90％。

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole businessbecause an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
被征兵的聪明小伙子一般会仇恨这整个征兵体系，因为军队总是要泯灭个体之间的差异。

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
一只普通的狗比一个普通人要更善良。

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening,terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - theopening a wonderfully joyous moment.
关门可以带来我们所珍视的私密与舒适，开门则可能带来恐惧。从另一方面说，关门可能是令人伤心的最后关头，开门则是令人感到无比欢欣的时刻。

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomatothat is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should makeevery effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress',doesn't spread.
联邦政府资助的科研项目培养出了各方面都很完美的西红柿，只是很难吃。我们应竭尽全力阻止这种经常被称为“进步”的疾病蔓延开来。

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters doare other politicians.
讲政客的坏话讲得比记者还要难听的，那一定是其他政客。

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, andit's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling theair with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
世界上一定充斥着大量像我这样的音乐生涯不成功的人，这恐怕是好事。我们不需要好多糟糕的音乐家让空中充斥着不受欢迎的音响。某些职业音乐家已经够糟糕的了。

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
素食主义者：这是印第安人的一个老词，指的是打猎本事太差的人。

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don'tmake any big ones.
我们都为自己犯过小错误而自豪，这使我们感觉到我们没有犯大错。

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if theyhave any aged pepper.
侍者问我想不想要新鲜地椒的时候，我就反问：难道你们有上了年纪的地椒吗？